I've been making more covers lately and actually posting them which is a big step for me.
I'm finding that there is only a certain amount of content that I am comfortable posting.
I can't help but think, "What if so and so finds out that I am on YouTube?"
"What will they think if they see me doing something that maybe they won't like?"
That's when I have to stop and realize that if I keep on thinking like this, then I am going to filter myself so much that there will be so little to share.
I can't sugar code myself forever.
I'm not quite Cinderella, innocent and naive, running off with the first guy I see, and I'm not Miley Cyrus either, who's seen too much.
I'm Jasmine Johnson. I'm sheltered in my own right, but I've seen enough to know why there are times when I want to cover my eyes. There are things I want to shield and guard myself from. But there are also waters that I want to explore. And to some, my idea of "danger" is nothing in comparison to theirs. And to others, I'll have gone too far.
It's been years that I've been creating but I haven't really been sharing a whole lot.
Speaking of, Storytime!
Last week, on a Sunday, I went to Christmas party. One of my underground musical inspirations was there. Her name is Courtney Marie Andrews. We went to school together for a while and I had admired her ability to play music, write songs, and share it through live performances and music distribution with the world. I didn't know she was going to be at the party beforehand so I almost didn't go, but when I found out she was there, I decided to stop being such a homebody for just one night. It's a great thing I went and I'll explain why:
While I've been writing lyrics, tunes, and chords, and even making demos, I've sort of been hiding my talents under a rock, thinking, "I'm not ready to share myself with the world and the world isn't ready for me yet. My songs need to cook for a little longer, a little longer, a little longer…"
But at the same time, I've been sharing a song here and a song there to one or two people in my life, like private little sessions and I usually get really good responses…but that's about as far as I go.
Meantime, I keep writing more and more songs to the point that I am overwhelmed with material…story of my life. I'm constantly trying to figure out which songs should go on which albums, which songs should never be heard by anyone, and how I'm going to get all of these songs copyrighted and so on and so forth.
Now back to the story!
One of the people at the party who I've been a long-term friend with, I had shared a few of my songs with like a month before. So on Sunday at the party, we were all sitting around the campfire and one of the guys had gotten a guitar out. Of course Courtney began to sing…everyone suddenly shut up and you could hear a pin drop. It was beautiful. When she was finished, everyone clapped. It was a little informal performance, so special, and intimate. I was glad to be a part of it. I'd been wanting to see her but she's constantly traveling and on tour.
When she was done, the friend who knew about my secret demos, she said something like, "Hey Jasmine, you sing something!" I was like, "Okay, but I can't play guitar." So someone was going to have to accompany me but I was put on the spot and couldn't decided on a song in time.
I was feeling the pressure, but the fire of me singing, kind of burned out within minutes…
Then my extroverted older sister, sitting next to me at the party, went ahead and busted out with one of her original tunes a cappella. I felt like I had missed my chance, kind of, and she was just going to shine and blow everyone away with her awesomeness.
But when she was done singing, everyone smiled and clapped, and I was put on the spot yet again by my persistent friend and now my sister too, and my sister actually inspired me to go ahead and bust out one of my originals as well since she sang one of hers. I was in shock to say the least, which meant I couldn't think straight or remember any of the names of my songs, but there was one song that didn't betray me in this moment. It came to my head when I needed it most and I sang the first verse and the chorus to the small group of people and including one of my biggest inspirations. The fire inside of me burned so bright and everything was as it should be. That was a perfectly timed moment and everyone was blown away that I would even open my mouth, yet alone sing an original as I'd sat there calmly up to that point.
After that day, I feel much better about singing in front of people. Now that I feel like I've earned some street credit and a some respect for my songs, it gave me hope.
Then to make the night even more magical, one of the guys picked up the guitar and we improvised together as Courtney harmonized with me for a tiny bit. Um! What?! That is a dream come true for me.
And we made up on song on the spot:
I saw love fly by
It didn't stop to say hello
You never try
And that's why you had to go
So go
(something like that)
Before Courtney left for the night, I was able to tell her that she was one of my biggest musical inspirations. She said I could send her my songs when I got them recorded, I was like, "Okay!" And she told the same thing to my sister.
I say all of this to point out that while I've felt like I've been doing nothing this whole time, that's not true, I've been writing, and doing covers, and more recently, posting on websites, and just like at the party, at the right time, that is when I will be able to share. That is when the right people will be listening.
Those are the people who I do this for. Not for those who are only going to hear what they want to hear. So maybe I can inspire people the way that I've been inspired. To see the fruit of what I do would be such a blessing. That's why I can't stop. That's why I can't run away or hide. I have to take it one day at a time. It's a process worth going through. That's where a lot of the growth happens, even if it feels stagnant at times and like it's taking forever. Having something to offer is better than having nothing to offer, especially if it's something you spent time and effort on and put heart into and experience into. It's quite beautiful, sharing…I don't know why it scares me so much.
